a friend of mine has begun the process of buying a house. and she’s been feeling down because she’s been waiting for this for a long time, but none of the houses they can afford at the moment are the kind of house that feels like “home” to her. and i can completely identify with that, because i know that when the time comes, i’ll be the same way.

and i fell into the trap of cheerleading for her, trying to say things to make her feel better about the sucky choice she has to make, the decision to settle. trying to make her feel better about giving up on her dream. trying to smooth the path to downsizing her expectations.

of course you feel you *have* to say those things. because we all know as adults that you *can’t* always get what you want, and that sometimes you have to do a mindshift when the reality doesn’t match up to the dream, because otherwise we’d spend our lives miserably pining for things we can never have.

but would we? i begin to think about all the times i’ve given up on my high hopes of what i wanted, and instead consciously decided to be happy for the best i thought could get. what would have happened if i’d held out for nothing less than the ideal? we all convince ourselves that we have to be pragmatic and reasonable, and that sometimes we have to adjust our expectations because that’s what you do to live in the “real” world. but what if, what if, we were brave enough to keep our eye on the prize? what if second-best is really a test? what if it’s the universe’s way of syaing that those who would allow themselves to be placated with the runner-up don’t deserve anything better? what if everything you wanted was just around the corner but you always quit before you got there?

i don’t know. i think it’s impossible to know. and perhaps, ultimately that’s the difference between the idealists and the realists. i used to think myself squarely in the first camp, but as I get older i find myself visiting the second more and more. is that a function of age or cynicism? or do the two automatically go hand in hand? and sure, as the DL* says, “Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck”. I’ve personally experienced that many times. the difficulty is that it’s impossible to know the future, and who the hell wants to be on the side that encourages someone towards inevitable heartbreak?

part of me wants to tell my friend, “don’t do it – don’t buy any house you don’t absolutely love because you and your family deserve nothing less.” and part of me thinks that’s a completely untenable position to take, and only a fool would encourage that kind of thinking about something as real and concrete as buying a house. which would be doing her the greater disservice? but i can feel her bitter disappointment, and as a friend i just want to say the thing that will make her feel better.

i just wish i knew what that was.

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* Dalai Lama – though it’s one of those internet attributions, so really, who knows?

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