j and i went shopping today. this is only notable insofar as it is the first time i’ve been “shopping” for two years. seriously – i have bought myself almost no new clothing in two years.

for the most part, i don’t mind. when we were saving for our trip, i only had to remind myself how far the amount i wanted to spend on that new top would go in thailand to convince myself i didn’t truly *need* it. and i didn’t need it. i had plenty of perfectly fine, servicable clothes in my wardrobe and i’m not much of a shopper anyway.

but now that i once again have some disposable income, i’m finding it hard to let go of my tightwad ways. for example, i popped into monsoon - the shop that most closely matches my “girly side” (i bought my wedding outfit from there). monsoon is a bit pricey, but not extravagant by any means – probably the equivalent of ann taylor store in the states.

i’m not usually a skirt and dress girl, but the summer collection was really beautiful, and there was a skirt there that my heart just skipped a beat over. linen and perfectly cut and vivid and gorgeous.

it was £60. that’s not terribly expensive, but it just a little more than i normally pay for such things. and in spite of my heart going pitter patter, i didn’t get it. i have spent exactly £0 on clothes for two years, and i didn’t let myself get the one thing i truly loved because it was probably £20 overpriced.

the stupidest bit? i ended up spending £20 on a rug that was on sale that we definitely didn’t even need.

and i think it’s part of a recent pattern of just not treating myself well overall. always putting myself last. guilt over spending money on something “frivolous”. i’ve been getting by with “cheap and cheerful” for so long now, that i don’t feel i deserve anything better. i find myself doing the same with all kinds of other little things as well – not buying myself new glasses even though i desperately need them, putting off my dental checkup even though my tmj is killing me, buying the generic showergel even though it dries my skin, buying the horrible cheap sheets because the all cotton ones i adore are just “too expensive”.

i don’t think i need to splash out all the time, and i never want to be one of those people who are always “treating themselves” at the expense of their credit cards. but i shouldn’t feel like a terrible person for wanting something nice every once in a while. i shouldn’t castigate myself for wanting a pretty skirt, just because. i need to lighten up on myself, be a little gentler. i deserve better from me. because if i don’t value myself, how can i expect others to?

so i promptly came home and spent £100 on a pair of running shoes.

*shrug* go figure.

cake – short skirt, long jacket

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