for the benefit of those of you who don’t know me in real life: i’m a procrastinator. i procrastinate – a lot. (aside: say “procrastinate” more than a few times in a row and it starts to sound really funny.) i’m the kind of person who has a parcel ready to mail, sitting in her lounge for three weeks at a time. or who waits months to change her mailing address on her credit card. most of it is due to a mild phobia, something i’ve struggled with most of my life. i’m not phobic about meeting new people, or going to parties, or eating alone in restaurants. no, i’m afraid of completely innocuous strangers like the shopkeeper, or the customer service rep. afraid is probably the wrong word to use – it’s more an uncomfortably irrational anxiety. fear of being judged or looking doltish. i *know*, intellectually that it makes no sense. that i will never see these people again, that asking for help locating the spinach in the grocery store is hardly a source of embarrassment, and that my brief, completely unremarkable interaction with them doesn’t even register as more than a blip on the consciousness of their daily life. and yes, i am able to function in my daily life – it hardly stops me from finding and buying the bloody spinach (under 3 crates of oranges, *obviously* ). but i still have to mentally psych myself up for even these insignificant interactions. i run a little practice dialogue in my head beforehand, steel myself (against what, exactly? who knows?), walk up, open my mouth, and ask. it’s the same thing for speaking up in meetings, using the phone (an anxiety that only got worse when i first moved here and couldn’t understand the person on the other end of the line), and dealing with everyday errands and annoyances. i don’t know why i have this particular mental block, but it seems it’s always been with me; i remember all the way back to being a little kid and being too nervous to even order at a takeout counter in mcdonald’s.

and so the little things that most people don’t event think twice about (ringing about the utility bill, going to the post office, returning a pair of jeans) become miniature hurdles for me. and if it’s a more daunting task (like sorting out my student loan, paying parking tickets from years ago in vermont, ringing the home office)…well, now you understand where the procrastination comes in. i get all these things done eventually, but it takes lots of time and large amounts of self-discipline

it’s stupid, i know. where in the rest of my life i feel smart and capable, this ridiculous anxiety makes me feel small and pathetic by comparison. every time i get past a mini-hurdle, i feel incredible relief – and embarrassment that something so silly can affect me so much. over the years, i’ve gotten much better. i make lists, reward myself for accomplishments, and remind myself how much better i’ll feel once it’s done. i force myself to pick up the phone, deal with the teenage salesclerk, tick the things off my list. it’s just getting past that small initial stumbing block, each and every time. some days it’s a molehill, and some days it’s a mountain.

still, i can’t help it. i try my best – i really do. but now, stacey, you know when i don’t get your parcel in the mail for weeks at a time, that’s the reason why. in spite of all my best intentions and in spite of all my other strengths, i am a procrastinator, just trying to face my stupid little hurdles. one at a time.

the arcade fire – you tried to turn away my fears

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