exciting, informative, snarky, and very likely fabricated tales of life as an american expat in london

go figure

by Jen at 12:10 am on 12.11.2007 | 1 Comment
filed under: blurblets, world tour

“mr. and mrs. smith”, the barely passable action comedy starring angelina jolie and brad pitt, is on television – and i’m watching it for nostalgia’s sake.

you see, i’ve seen this movie already, no fewer than four times. in spanish. it was on a continuous loop (along with 2 episodes of “seinfeld”, and the horrific remake of “guess who’s coming to dinner?” starring ashton kutcher) on a 24 hour bus journey from santiago to san pedro de atacama in chile.

i swore after that journey i’d never want to see either angelina or brad’s face ever again. who knew i’d be so wrong?

then again, who knew i’d be revisiting a hellacious 24 hour bus ride as a fond trip down memory lane?

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it’s just a life story, so there’s no climax

by Jen at 12:04 pm on 11.11.2007 | 3 Comments
filed under: mutterings and musings

i was watching “stranger than fiction” again last night. i love that movie. it’s very similar to the charlie kaufman genre of films (”being john malkovich”, “adaptation” and “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind”), all of which i love as well. existential comedies, i’ve learned they are called – movies where preposterous deus-ex-machina devices are employed to the purpose of illuminating life’s meta-plot.

and it’s this bit that i love, the combination of the ridiculous and the sublime. in “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind”, the writer uses an absurd scenario (the ability to selectively obliterate memories) to tacitly posit the age old question: is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all? if you could only take the good along with the bad, would it be better to have never had the good *or* the bad? can there be pleasure without pain? is the essential nature of love always double-sided? the answer to all of these has, throughout history, always been a resounding yes – yet our reflection on this theme in the movie demonstrates how all too often we are quick to chuck it all in when things get difficult, treating love as a disposable commodity like so much else in our modern lives. that we treat each other’s feelings so callously, when there is so much beauty to be found even in the midst of personal pain.

as another example, in the movie “adaptation”, the film is about a writer who is unsuccessfully trying to adapt a book into a screenplay – but the film *is* in fact the unsuccessful screenplay that subject is trying to adapt. thus, what starts out as a clever, sophisticated movie, descends into the stereotypical hollywood madness of sex, drugs and violence and the film fails spectacularly by design. it uses this manufactured chaos to elucidate a point about having the courage to let go and follow your dreams. in spite of stating within the movie that the character wants to avoid a screeplay which relies on “sex or guns or car chases or characters learning profound life lessons or growing or coming to like each other or overcoming obstacles to succeed in the end”, in the end it does just exactly that. the screenplay becomes a failure because the writer is unable to set aside his fear of success, hammering home the exact message it purports to be avoiding. try wrapping your brian around that one.

then of course, there is the classic (and some would say the originator of the genre) “being john malkovich”, where the bizarre notion of entering someone else’s brain and body is used to illustrate the importance of being true to ones self by asking: how is it that playing at being someone else, allows us to discover who we really are? what roles do we play in our lives that are stifling our most authentic selves? and in what ways do we lose our own identities by trying to live vicariously through others?

in “stranger than fiction”, the protagonist discovers that he’s actually a character in a novel, and further finds out that the novel is meant to end with his imminent demise. the overarching question being: if you knew you were going to die, how would you live your life differently? what is worth dying for, and what makes life worth living? and the point, of course, is that we *all* know we are going to die, yet we are content, as the main character is, to live our lives in a circumscribed known comfort zone, lives of quiet desperation. but in stepping out of that rut and risking something small of ourselves, our lives suddenly become so much more – become, in fact, something worth risking it all for. like the other movies in this class, it does so with humour and poignancy that just makes you ache inside.

this is the type of movie i just can’t seem to get enough of – something smart, original, and thought-provoking. something entertaining and wholly unique on its own, but with a bonus take home essay question. the best of these kinds of movies make me laugh, make me pensive, make me take pause, make me examine my own life. the best of these leave a lasting imprint as i reluctantly walk away.

the best of these kinds of movies make me want to sit down and write blogs about them. )

okkervil river – our life is not a movie or maybe

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screw you very much, tescos.

by Jen at 12:30 pm on 10.11.2007 | 6 Comments
filed under: holidaze, rant and rage

j went to the local tesco express to get some bread and milk this morning. he came home and told me that they actually have chocolate *easter bunnies* out already, displayed right next to the xmas chocolates.

one holiday bleeding into another before the first has even arrived yet…fuck it man, let’s just do away with the calendar altogether! it can just be holiday free-for-all, all the time! anarchy, woo hoo!

what is wrong with people!!??!

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why i have the best sister ever

by Jen at 10:51 am on | 5 Comments
filed under: family and friends, photo

woke up this morning to a knock on the door from the postman and this beautiful parcel:

i am so lucky to have such a thoughtful sister.

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ignorance is bliss

by Jen at 1:25 pm on 9.11.2007Comments Off
filed under: blurblets, like a fish needs a bicycle

this is what i get for watching daytime television.

a u.k. ripoff of “the view” where a bunch of women sit around nattering, takes on the weighty question: “should women propose?”

which leads to a discussion about how they *shouldn’t* propose, but should instead manipulate the guy into proposing by thinking it’s his idea.

sometimes i find it hard to believe i live in the 21st century. sigh.

and for the record, i proposed to j first.

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you can’t stop wishing if you don’t let go

by Jen at 7:50 pm on 8.11.2007 | 2 Comments
filed under: mundane mayhem, photo

i was going through a bunch of photos from our trip last year. i can’t believe it’s been more than a year now since we’ve been back. in a way it feels like yesterday. in a way it feels like ages ago.

i wanted so desperately to hang on to that relaxed, open-armed, open-hearted girl – the one with the wide eyes and insatiable thirst for adventure. in spite of all my best intentions, she’s been lost, ground down, washed out.

the less i have to hold on to, the more it feels like the whole thing was a dream – and the photos are the only thing i have left.

jack johnson – breakdown

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in a quiet murmur of spit, cash it in with a whisper of wit

by Jen at 7:00 pm on 7.11.2007 | 1 Comment
filed under: mundane mayhem

this has been the work week that just will not quit. my work environment is so crazy-making that i have had to keep myself from saying a few very choice, very unprofessional, very unwise things at several points these past few days. my back is in knots and my tongue is bitten clean through. and it’s only wednesday.

i am usually very good about not “bringing work home” – in my past life as a care management supervisor, i had to learn to block stuff out of my head when i walked out the door, otherwise it was the kind of job you could stress about 24/7. and i realise i am once again breaking one of my cardinal blogging rules, (namely not blogging about my workplace), which in and of itself is rather ill-advised.

i think i’ve just been so burned out and so overburdened and so frustrated for so long now, that it’s all coming to a head. i no longer care about being diplomatic. i no longer care if i get sacked. and i no longer care if anyone knows that i no longer care. we are currently going through a mini-restructuring in my department, and i have been fervently praying to be made redundant – that’s how bad it is.

i try not to burden j or my friends with my moaning – after all, it’s a bit unfair considering the only person with the power to change my situation is me. if i feel trapped and run into the ground and saddled with enough anxiety to give me a stomach ulcer the size of a moon crater… well, then, i need to do something about that. but j walked through the door and i just unloaded on him – i couldn’t help myself. i needed to get it out someplace safe, with someone who can listen and make sympathetic noises and tell me it will be okay. someone i can depend on to be there if i lose my cool and walk out in resignation. my safety net, my sanity net. this is one of the things i love most about j – he’s always in my corner.

so i’m home now. i’ve got a bottle of wine and a promise of a back rub and a warm cat on my lap – all is right with the world. for right now.

tomorrow’s another day.

eta: i’m also very cross now because my “on demand” date with ewan macgregor and charlie boorman is postponed. apparently you need 8 different levels of security clearance to use the bloody “on demand” function and virgin media (as usual) cannot manage to get even the simplest thing right. activating our pin will require “second level support”, for which we will need to wait 24-48 hours. grrrrrrrrrrrr.

hey mercedes – quit

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if i screamed “you were wrong”

by Jen at 7:36 pm on 6.11.2007 | 2 Comments
filed under: rant and rage

i can’t wait to be a citizen so i can vote.

gordon brown outlines his proposed bills in a speech to the queen, including more “hate crime” laws. i’ve mentioned how i feel about “hate crime laws” before: a crime is a crime. attacking someone because of their disability (while repugnant) is not any more or less tragic than people attacked for other reasons. motivation for a crime is irrelevant to the outcome. it only serves to make us feel better to punish certain people more because we find them more morally reprehensible, when in fact, we should have done more as a community before the crime – not after. if the laws already in place can’t deter people from attacking people with disabilities, then our society is broken, and no legislation is going to change that – it only assuages our conscience.

brown also proposed the “citizenship and immigration bill”, introducing a points-based visa system and forcing immigrants to do community work. i’ve already made my views abundantly clear on this: this is an ineffectual kneejerk response to the problems of *illegal* immigration and *legal* economic migrants from the e.u. it has absolutely nothing to do with “british jobs for british workers” (a slogan the daily mail helpfully likens to xenophobic bnp propaganda).

and lastly in this dispicable triumvirate, brown puts forth the counter-terrorism bill, which calls for doubling the period they can hold a suspected terrorist without charge to nearly 2 months, a sex-offender type register which will track them indefinitely, and a ban on ever leaving the country. oh, and they’re allowed to draw “adverse inferences” from what a suspect does *not* say, natch. in effect moving the u.k. towards becoming its own private guantanamo.

show me the ballot. in the grand scheme of things my vote may not change anything, but it’ll sure make me feel a helluva lot better.

…and you will know us by the trail of dead – mistakes & regrets

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i’m always staring at your smile

by Jen at 9:50 pm on 5.11.2007 | 1 Comment
filed under: mutterings and musings

i just sent a birthday gift to a friend. i’m so excited for her to get it – i love giving gifts. i tend to fancy myself a good gift-giver – there’s nothing more satisfying than surprising someone with a really inspired present. i love to file away little ideas for people in my head, jot down notes mentally about preferences, sentiments, dreams. i’ve gone to some lengths to get the “perfect” gift for someone – secrets and subterfuge.

the best gifts are those that are meaningful to the recipient – something that touches them, or captures a memory. for my sister’s birthday, i had a selection of photos of her daughter from birth to present printed in a bound book. for a friend’s 30th, i hand calligraphied a copy of maya angelou’s “phenomenal woman” poem. for my dad’s xmas present one year, i refinished a set of chairs in a beach theme to match his newly refinished room. for a friend with photography aspirations, i secretly acquired some of her best digital photos and had them framed as a collage.

i love doing things like that. i love giving gifts even more than getting them, because for me, the look on someone’s face when they are truly moved or excited is what makes me happy. even more than that, to find out that a gift becomes a valued possession – i recently went to visit a friends new house, only to come across a mirror i had made for her with beach glass and copper wire years ago. i’d long since forgotten about it.

but she hadn’t – and that meant more than any gift she could have given me.

via audio – presents

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a trail of ruby red and diamond white hits her like a sunrise

by Jen at 9:41 am on 4.11.2007Comments Off
filed under: londonlife, photo

bonfire night is one of my favourite u.k. holidays. our flat is on the 4th floor, and throughout the weekend I’ve been watching the long stretch of horizon from Canary Wharf to Wimbledon bloom with electric neon flowers across the sky, gazing mesmerised with childlike delight every time another show begins.

giant gaudy chrysanthemums, tall spiky larkspurs, small clusters of baby’s breath, big fluffy peonies, bold bursting stargazer lillies. i have no garden, but i have these beautiful blossoms on display every year.



john mayer – neon

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suspension of disbelief

by Jen at 8:02 pm on 3.11.2007 | 1 Comment
filed under: blurblets, now *that's* love

an advert for the “dirty dancing” reality show comes on.*

jonno: you know what i wonder? you watch that whole movie and they never once mention the word “statutory”.

*yes, a whole reality show based on “dirty dancing”. go figure.

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diving into my own destruction

by Jen at 6:16 pm on | 9 Comments
filed under: mundane mayhem

I spent all day cleaning the house – I mean scouring, scrubbing, dusting, hoovering, mopping, washing. Every nook and every cranny is clean enough to eat out of. Our flat is pretty small, but it hadn’t had a deep clean in a while, so this took some effort.

After it was all done, I “treated” myself to a bath. The problem being that, while I try to convince myself that I enjoy baths, I actually don’t. In a bath-obsessed country like England, admitting this amounts to heresy.

There are a lot of reasons I don’t enjoy baths, the first of which is that the tub needs to be scrubbed both before and after a bath, thereby negating any supposed relaxing effects. There is nothing more disgusting than soaking in the tub only to see an unfamiliar stray hair float by. Thus, the tub must be pristine before bathing.

Secondly, drawing a bath is an art form that I’ve never really mastered. Getting the water the perfect temperature, with just the right amount of bubbles seems to be neigh on impossible for me. And a tub just takes sooooo long to fill. Then I hop in, and it’s either too warm, so my face gets all sweaty and sticky, or it’s too cold and I’m shivering before I can even get out.

Thirdly, there’s a definite order to the ablutions which I am always forgetting. If the hair needs washing, this must be done *first* before anything else. Instead, I’m forever sliding around trying to shave my legs, pumice my feet, loofah the elbows… only to then be faced with washing my hair in the cloudy scum of soap, stubble, and dead skin.

Fourthly, what exactly are you supposed to *do* in a bath? Reading material only gets wet. There are no outlets in the bathrooms in the UK, so no radio can be plugged in. Lying around is meant to feel luxurious I suppose, but I can’t help being bored, hot, and aware of stewing in my own filth. (Though I did manage to come up with the idea for this blog post whilst waterlogged in the tub.)

I think from now on I’ll stick to showers.

no doubt – bathwater

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home, i don’t know where you could be

by Jen at 6:43 pm on 2.11.2007 | 1 Comment
filed under: classic, mutterings and musings

I find myself tripping over the word “home” a lot – it always seems to catch on the tongue. There is a moment’s hesitancy, a split second pause between mind and lips. It’s a fluid thing this notion of “home”. When I am here, home is there. It is where I grew up, where my family waits, where my memories and heartstrings resonate, where the seasons match my moods, where I am in my element as a fish in water.

And when I am there, home is here. This is where my ambitions are rooted, where my daily life cycles and repeats, where I lift my head off the pillow in the optimism of new sun and lay it down again in weariness, where my husband and friends are present in presence, where my creature comforts reside, where my work and apartment and favourite cat are located, where my plans and dreams spring from.

Yet home is also neither of those places, for both are incomplete. *I* am incomplete. Wherever I am, I am longing for elsewhere, feeling the emptiness in me that no one place can fill. It is the hollow formed by absence of family and fall leaves, fragmented holidays and oceanic distances.

It’s a hollow that’s become a permanent part of me – and perhaps more than anything, that hollowness is the one constant in this transatlantic divide. “Home” seems to be, most simply, wherever I am not.

And I’m never where I want to be.

leona naess – home

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how can it be that we can say so much without words?

by Jen at 7:13 pm on 1.11.2007 | 3 Comments
filed under: now *that's* love

jonno comes home from work, takes off his tie, plays with the cat… and begins telling me about the ducklings he watches every lunch hour down by the pond at his work. how he’s been watching these ducks mate, nest, hatch, and mature for more than a year now – that they’ve had two sets of ducklings that he’s watched grow into adulthood. he does an imitation of the fuzzy little birds wiggling their bottom, ducking under for food, paddling feverishly behind their mother. he speaks of them with gentle affection and humour.

all this is news to me. i never knew he spent every lunch hour going down to the pond, sitting and contemplating in the fresh air. he’s been doing this for over a year now, and never breathed a word – in all the times i’ve asked him about his work, he’s never once mentioned this quiet, private ritual of his day.

this is one of the small marvels of love – that every day, he continues to reveal facets of himself i have not yet seen, like unfolding petals. that i can continue to be surprised by this person i think i know so well. that i can be struck by the mystery that is this man i married. that he can let me in on intimate little secrets about his internal life that i never would have guessed.

that i can feel tenderness well up inside me, like a brave wondrous thing, new to the world again. that he can make me feel that way, all these years later.

it is nothing less than a miracle.

madness – it must be love

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