i didn’t know just how true it was until i said it
i recently finished a book called children of the revolution, by dinaw mengestu. it turned out to be one of those books that i began to ration towards the end, wanting to draw out the last pages, prolonging the ache…that deep down ache of an expat that comes from being a square peg in a round hole. the protagonist of the book is an ethiopian refugee who has spent 17 years living in the u.s. – to all eyes outwardly assimilated, but unable to find the settled peace that comes with truly being at home. the unease of always being the outsider caught between two worlds, belonging fully to neither, stuck in a perpetual limbo… he captures it here brilliantly, in all its sad beauty.
over at nicole’s blog, she talks about the range of mixed feelings that come with being an american who no longer fits in america, someone who can no longer call the place where they were born “my country”, and the muddle of emotions that comes with that love/hate relationship.
and i found myself saying: being an expat is a bit like being a war veteran – no one ever tells you when you leave, that you really can never go home again. not as the same person, anyway.
we are, and forever will be, changed by the shift in perspective that stepping permanently outside our country of origin brings. and because of that, we can never see it or love it in quite the same way again.
no one ever tells you that – and you probably wouldn’t believe them if they did.
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Comment by Charlotte
20.07.2008 @ 05:17 am
It’s come as a shock to me too. Sometimes I relish the outsider feeling – both here and in South Africa – and sometimes it’s very alienating. I tell myself I’m a citizen of the world, but that’s not particularly comforting. Sounds like the Mengestu book is something I need to read.
Comment by Jen
20.07.2008 @ 17:38 pm
i go through phases where i forget that i’m an outsider… then periods where i am reminded of it every day. and periods where i catch myself looking at my life with disbelief, like an out-of-body experience, wondering how did i get here? because even if i wanted to, i couldn’t *not* be an outsider any more.
the mengestu book is really lovely – definitely recommend.