so many places you’d prefer to be
coming home from shopping today, i saw you get on the tube. your haircut and clothes were neat, expensive looking, chosen with obvious care, but you had no handbag or jewellery. your face was naked and pale, your eyes bleary, red and wet.
you sat opposite me, avoiding eye contact, head slightly bowed, as silent tears streamed down your face. you neither hid them, nor made any motion to wipe them away. it was a look of resigned but dignified grief. an open and honest sorrow, plain for all to see.
as the train hurtled on through the tunnel, i thought about asking you if you were okay, though it was clear that you weren’t. i thought about offering you a tissue, but your carriage stopped me from breaching that invisible wall.
in the end, i did nothing. see, i’ve been there too – with private emotions on display in a public space, because there’s no place to hide them, and the shock of deep sadness inures you to caring. it happens in big cities – you can cry anonymously in front of a group of strangers, who all pretend they don’t see.
as we pulled into my station, i got off, and as the doors closed behind me, i glanced back one last time to look at you through the window. you knuckled your eyes dry, smoothed your hair behind your ears, sat up, fixed your gaze straight ahead, and the train sped away out of sight.
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Comment by noble savage
13.09.2008 @ 19:04 pm
it always makes me so sad and awkward to see a stranger cry in front of me. you want to reach out but do they want you to? such a dilemma…
Comment by nikoline
13.09.2008 @ 19:12 pm
touching. i’m glad you were in shared space with this person. i actually had a moment like this last weekend but it was in oakland airport and the girl was me. i hope there was someone like you there bearing silent and kind witness.
Comment by Jen
14.09.2008 @ 00:45 am
“i actually had a moment like this last weekend but it was in oakland airport and the girl was me.”
oh no! i’m so sorry. i hope there was comfort amongst strangers.
Comment by Janet
16.09.2008 @ 10:03 am
Jen, I’ve lurked on your site for a long time but have never commented. THIS post has brought me out of the closet. So often, something like this has happened to me. I feel helpless. I always wish I’d said something. But thinking back on times in my life when I’ve likely looked similarly distressed, I always prefered to be left alone.
Anyway, I’m linking you on Lord Celery. Long time coming, and I’m sorry about that.
Janet
Comment by Jen
16.09.2008 @ 21:43 pm
thanks for the lovely comment and delurk janet!