we’re moving again.

change stirs up so many emotions for me – i get far too attached to people, places and stuff, yet feel a constant compulsion to wrench myself away from all those things i care about most.  i’ve got friends strewn in far flung places, my family an ocean away.  i’ve got boxes of art, books, mementos and items of priceless sentimental value in random damp basements in multiple cities.  moldering, waiting for my life to reform in some semblance of stability.  i often wonder when/if i’ll ever actually wake somewhere and see my photos on my walls, my books on my shelves.  when/if i’ll ever be back on the same continent as my family.  to have things that are dear to me, be near to me.

and this flat, which i needed so badly to be a home, which i’ve grown to love in spite of its size… we’ve outgrown it now, like a too-tight skin.  this place which has been my sanctuary, will soon be just another memory.

it’s a schizophrenic life with pieces of me scattered all over the place.  i wonder if i’ll ever be able to stop mentally adjusting for time zones every time i pick up a phone.  if i’ll ever truly settle.  if i actually truly want to.  there’s the piece of me that wants nothing more than to find a place of contentment and stay put, and the piece of me that can’t wait for whatever next new thing might be around the corner.

and i’m always left longing in equal measure for the possibilities i imagine ahead, and the things i’ve left behind.  torn right down the middle of my heart.

i will miss this place.

arcade fire – burning bridges, breaking hearts

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