a life and a past that was another person, an earlier version of self, no matter how long ago or far away…every once and again it can blindside you with unexpected emotion. leap up from your stomach, grab hold of your heart and give it a good hard squeeze. leave a lump in your throat that no amount of swallowing will clear.

once upon a time, i walked through long grasses, wearing a white dress, coloured lanterns swinging gently from tree branches. i looked up, you were there waiting for me, and i thought it was the beginning of forever.

in the blur of so many years and so much experience since then, we became separated by an ocean much deeper and wider than that which separates us now. our intimacies turned us into cordial strangers somehow, and over time, the cordiality became less strange. slowly, inexorably, our lives disengaged – no longer orbiting in the same plane, but every now and then intersecting paths, wishing each other well.

so it caught me off guard to find myself teary today, your wedding day. as happy as i genuinely am for your happiness, i guess some part of me will always be sad for the happiness we no longer share, the promises that didn’t pan out, through no fault of our own. i know this is all rather self-centred. i know you’re not thinking of me today, just as i was not thinking of you when i remarried. it sounds harsh, but it’s true – the protective bubble of love does that to you.

but i think i also know what your fiancée will see when she walks down the aisle today, and looks up to see you waiting there for her. you there, with your heart on your sleeve and your soul wide open, grinning wide as the sun with the promise of forever in front of you. she’ll think to herself, how lucky she is. and she is.

and though it makes me cry, it also makes me smile.

i wish you joy.

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