it’s getting late, and i’m starting to get anxious.  check the clock – 10:00 pm.  too early? the ache in my shoulders and neck tells me it’s not.  my eyelids are beginning to burn with the desire to close.  my ritual ablutions – contact lenses, wash face, brush teeth.  dim the lights and slip between the cool, heavy sheets, head sinking deeply into the pillow.  ahhhh.  i hear street noise outside, and feel a knot starting to form in my stomach.  relax, i tell myself – you’ve lived in noisy places for a long time, you can tune it out.  but my mind begins to click and whir – what if i can’t drop off?  jonno’s still awake – what if he awakens me when he comes to bed? what if i’m awake all night? what if i can’t function tomorrow? what if i have that sick, laggy feeling and can’t be on point for my important meeting? it’s okay, it’s okay – if i can’t fall asleep by 1:00, i’ll take an antihistamine.  concentrate.  relax your toes.  now relax your ankles.  relax your calves.  relax your knees.  relax your knees.  relax your knees.  shit, this isn’t working. *it isn’t working*.  okay, okay, listen to your meditation podcast.  damnit, jonno’s climbing in bed now. why does he always come to bed just as i’m falling asleep?!  don’t worry – just curl up next to him.  listen to his breathing.  slow, deep, steady.  try to breathe in rhythm with his breath.  wow, how can he fall asleep just like that?  the streetlight’s too bright through the window – flip over.  try your eyeshade and earplugs.  whatever you do, don’t look at the clock.  fuck, it’s 1:00.  should i get up and take an antihistamine?  i hate taking it, though, i’m so muzzy-headed the next day.  give it another few minutes.  but all i can hear with these earplugs in is my own hyperaudible pulse and breath.  take them out, it’s quiet now.  drifting, drfiting.  who’s shouting in the street like that?  what’s going on?  gotta check from the window.  just a couple of drunks.  they’re wandering off now, back in bed.  1:40.  stop looking at the clock, you’ve functioned on no sleep before, and you can do it again if you have to.  checking the clock won’t help you sleep.  unfurrow your forehead.  brain, shut the fuck up please, you are not helping.  empty your head.  jeezus – jonno’s got his restless legs tonight.  fantastic – why do i have to sleep next to mr. twitchy??  how am i supposed to sleep when he keeps kicking me?  maybe i should head into the other bedroom.  but then i’ll have to unplug my alarm clock, bring it into the other room and reset it.  just give it a few minutes, i’ve got to fall asleep soon, i’m soooo tired, i’ll fall asleep soon.  oh dear god, cat, i’m going to murderize you – why are you awake at this hour?! oh wow, it’s 4:00, i must have dozed off.  but that cat won’t shut up.  i’ll put him in the other room.  crap, now he’s scratching at the door.  can’t have that.  ohpleaseohpleaseohplease zeke.  please.  pleasegobacktosleepplease.  oh god, i’m getting all worked up – that’s not conducive to sleep.  i’m just so tired i could cry.  i am crying.  it’s 5 am and i’m crying.  fuck!!!!  why is jonno’s alarm going off?!?!?!  he doesn’t even get up until 7, why does he set it for 5:30!!??!! i’m going to throw that stupid thing out the window, i swear to god, i’ve asked him a million times not to set it for 5:30.  he doesn’t even wake up! i wake up and have to wake him up to turn it off!! okay, quiet, if you just relax you can get another 45 minutes.  great, the cat heard the alarm go off, thinks he’s getting fed now.  maybe if i feed him now, *just this once*, i can get a few more minutes.  oh that will never work, he’ll just wake me up early every morning to get fed.  don’t give in. don’t give in.  also, don’t kill the cat.  also, don’t kill the husband.  god it’s bright in here already.  pillow over head.  tomorrow night will be better, as long as you don’t get all wound up.   you get too anxious.  just rest your eyes, quiet your thoughts.

alarm. 6:15.

shit.

i’m so tired – the beatles

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