i was feeling part of the scenery
something has awakened inside me on this visit. a sense of belonging that i haven’t felt in years – didn’t know i could still feel. the feeling of having a place in the world which matches how i feel inside. all the more astounding given how much the world has changed me – have i come full circle?
i was driving to a friend’s house for dinner the other day – she now lives in the ‘hood just down the road from where i used to live, four years and a lifetime ago. i missed my exit off the highway, and so had to take the next offramp. and i found myself in the middle of someplace simultaneously familiar and foreign. i thought about trying to double back to the highway, but decided instead to just keep going and see where my instinct lead me. i let my subconscious take over the driving, the steering wheel guided by muscle memory. turn here, straight through these lights, down this sidestreet – until i found myself surprised, at her front door, as if by magic.
i still know this place – there is an intimacy here, a roadmap of scars and memories.
on this trip, i have reconnected with friends i thought were lost to me forever, revisited old stomping grounds, settled the score with a few errant ghosts. though at times i’ve denied it, i have always carried a piece of this place with me, close to my heart.
and for once, it feels like a happy piece. a happy peace.
peter gabriel – solsbury hill
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Comment by nikoline
11.09.2007 @ 15:02 pm
this left a lump in my throat as i think and write a lot about (not) feeling “at home”. so glad for your happy peace!
Comment by Jen
14.09.2007 @ 07:21 am
it’s so hard to live in that kind of limbo – neither here, nor there. a foot in both worlds, but inhabitant of none.
i’m not sure how i’ve come to peace with it.
Comment by nikoline
14.09.2007 @ 15:40 pm
mine comes and goes. i’ve called it “divided heart syndrome” in the past….