exciting, informative, snarky, and very likely fabricated tales of life as an american expat in london

answers… and tears

by Jen at 11:17 pm on 15.03.2010 | 1 Comment
filed under: family and friends

and finally some answers.

it has taken a week to find out. even in days of fibre optic cables and internet video calls, sometimes the petty obstacles of distance and time get in the way. but tonight I was finally able to connect with kristin, who filled in the gaps for me of beth’s recent life and her death.

it seems that as tumultuous and despairing as her life often was… beth died peacefully in her sleep. a small measure of grace to dignify the passing of a remarkable soul.

and it seems like, with those answers, I can let myself mourn in earnest. because although I’ve known about her death for a week, I couldn’t let myself feel until I knew *what* to feel. she’d been gone from my life for many years – and now death has brought her back into it.

I’ve already eulogised her. and I’ve speculated on her possible death for so long. but the difference between believing something to be likely, and knowing it to be true, is measured in the weight of grief.

all these memories I’d forgotten I had keep flooding back with fresh tears. and now, who do I share them with?

she’s been gone for almost a year. I haven’t seen her in seven years. but tonight, she’s lost to me forever.

I don’t believe in god, and I don’t believe in heaven.

but for once in my life, I really hope I’m wrong.

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    Comment by Inga

    19.03.2010 @ 17:01 pm

    your writing about this breaks my heart. if i could see you right now i would hug you – even though we don’t know eachother. am hugging you from here.

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