exciting, informative, snarky, and very likely fabricated tales of life as an american expat in london

i would love to be pressure free, from the weight of nothing that bears down on me

by Jen at 7:38 pm on 25.01.2010 | 5 Comments
filed under: mutterings and musings

the thing is, i can honestly say that if i lived in a world without babies, i’d almost never think about them.

but i don’t live in a world without babies – i live in a world which is chockablock with them. both of my sisters gave birth to their second children in the last few months, my old university friend just had one. babies are in the street, the topic of conversation at work, on the television. babies are everywhere – they are the universal denominator.

and so, like it or not, the world is designed to force me to continually confront my decision not to have any. biology makes it difficult to avoid having children. society makes it difficult to avoid thinking about them.

i mention this because even though i’ve long since decided that giving birth isn’t for me… i would be lying if i said i never thought about it. every woman of childbearing age thinks about it, and i am no different. how could i not?

in fact, i might think about it more than many – because every day, i am made to continually evaluate and re-evaluate my “no” decision, in a world where the default is set to “yes”.

every day, people around me are pregnant. every day the media around me categorises women as mothers and mothers-to-be. every day i see or hear or read about children and babies and parents and how special and magical and wonderful it is – for everyone else.

and setting myself deliberately outside that circle, where i have consciously chosen not to share in the commonality of that experience, where i have opted out of one of the most singularly unifying human roles…

… well, sometimes it is a lonely place to be. sometimes it *does* cause me to question, in spite of myself. more to the point: sometimes i wish that i wanted a baby the way everyone else wants babies, because not wanting them feels like missing out. it’s annoying that babies take up my dedicated brainspace, that i so often find myself thinking about something i don’t want. but it’s built into the automated system: whenever i see a baby, my mind involuntarily does a little self-audit: “sure you don’t want one of those? yes, i’m sure. okay then… but are you *really* sure?” biology is an annoying fucker.

society knows this. it plays on this. i have unending sympathy for women who are infertile, because i imagine that, like them, i am hyperattuned to the saturation of messages that insist babies and children are the single most fulfilling life event to ever happen to a person. and i’m sure it is for those who have them – but it is tiresome to have to mentally reassert that my life is not bereft of meaning because i don’t want a baby.

yes, i’m actually saying that not having kids is sometimes lonely and tiresome. that’s hard to understand for most. and no reason to actually have one, of course.

still, it’s impossible to deny – in the face of all my certainty, the world that is full-of-babies constantly tries to throw clouds of doubt. and sometimes i can’t help but think the easier, less solitary path would have been acquiescence. to do what everyone does because everyone does it.

but that’s no reason to have a kid either. i know that, and believe wholeheartedly in my choice – i just wish life wasn’t constantly forcing me to think about it so often.

because it gets tiresome. and it can be lonely.

pressure free – nada surf

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5 Comments

  • 1

    Comment by Amity

    26.01.2010 @ 16:11 pm

    I don’t doubt for a minute that it’s difficult and tiresome being deliberately childless in a world that assumes you are, will be or at least want to be a parent.I obviously can’t empathise from personal experience but I can definitely sympathise. You’re at an age where a lot of people you know are having babies or have small children that take up a lot of their time and head space (myself included!) but it won’t always be so pervasive. As your acquaintances’ children grow, hopefully it won’t be such an ‘othering’ experience for you. That said, I think your decision to not become a parent as an othering experience is one that overall has a positive effect on you, and others who make similar decisions. No one should have a child because they are forced to or out of social pressure and I’m glad we have options to ensure neither of those happen, at least on a regular basis.

  • 2

    Comment by Jen

    26.01.2010 @ 18:29 pm

    ‘othering’. that’s exactly the word i was searching for. that ‘otherness’ is the lonely and tiresome bit.

  • 3

    Comment by Sarah

    29.01.2010 @ 20:19 pm

    Wow. Oh wow. It’s like you crawled inside my head! Wonderful, wonderful post!!

  • 4

    Comment by Tara

    2.02.2010 @ 05:14 am

    Thank you for putting into words something I’ve never been able to as eloquently as you have. I would love to print up business-sized cards with the link to this post on it. The next time someone asks me (a happily married 27 year old with no overwhelming need to reproduce), “are you SURE you don’t want to have babies???” – I would give them said card, and tell them to go home and read. Thank you for making ‘the choice’ feel not-so-tiresome and not-so-lonely.

  • 5

    Comment by Jen

    2.02.2010 @ 20:26 pm

    @sarah & @tara – glad it resonated with you. it’s not-so-lonely when you know others feel the same.

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